In this particular post, I was going to talk about being positive, about how you could stay happy. But doesn’t that sound too easy? Do you really think I could tell you how to be positive and it would automatically happen? Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wanted to make a video on this, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk without crying. I’m writing today with tears in my eyes, but I wanted to open up and show the other side of me. The side you’ve probably never seen. Being a blogger/influencer takes up a lot. You always need to put up a front because people are there to see your happy side, to see what you’re wearing, what’s in trend and so on. They don’t want to hear you whine or cry. But today I wanted to get real. I don’t like to be open about it because I feel it shows a sign of weakness. But today I wanted to let everything out.
December is usually a very sad month for me. I’ve never truly enjoyed New Years. I lost my Nana (granddad) almost 14 years back on 30th December. He was the only person who Loved me unconditionally. The only grandparent who ever treated me with love and respect. And the only man other than my dad who never broke my heart.
This month is usually the happiest month of everyone’s life because it’s filled with joy and love. The month where people celebrate the beginning of a new year. Having a ton of followers and a so-called “Happening Life” on social media usually makes people think that I have hundreds of friends and party and have fun all the time. Truth be told, I have 5 friends in my life who are more like a family to me and these days I barely step out of the house. I prefer spending time at home watching Netflix all day long.
During this season people want to be with their partners and that’s how it should be. All of my friends are committed and spend their new years with them. Whereas, I’ve been single for as long as I can remember and hate joining my friends and being a third wheel. I spend New year’s alone at home and it was fine until now. Honestly, it’s the most difficult thing to do. I do know that there’s nothing wrong with being alone, but there are days when you just need that one person you could talk to or be with after a horrible day at work or if you’re just having a bad day. I try to stay as positive as I can, and I am, most of the days. I keep telling myself that I’ll find the one, the one that will make me smile no matter what, the one I’ll want to laugh with, the one who’ll just be mine. But today, I broke down, felt lonely, scared and confused. They say the more positive you are the more positivity you attract. I’ve been trying my best to be that. I was the most positive this year, but in a way, I feel I was putting away all the sad thoughts at the back of my head and wasn’t thinking about it and this month it just came out like a big bomb. But a lot of things that affected me this year, things I’m not ready to share yet made me weak and it happened all at once. Right now I’m just tired of being positive, tired of pretending. Maybe tomorrow I wake up being positive all over again, but today I’m sad, today I feel all alone and I’ve lost all hope.
I wanted to share this to let you all know that it’s okay to give up, it’s okay to cry and break down. It’s actually really healthy to cry once in a while and let it all out. It’s nearly impossible to be happy and positive all the time. But never stop believing. I’m at a point in my life that I know this is it. This is the lowest point I could get at. But you know what’s the best part about this? I’ve hit rock bottom and the only way to go from here is up. I might be sad and weak right now, but I’m going to rise back up and be stronger and happier than ever. I’m going to be fine and I know it’s all going to be OKAY. Always remember that. No matter what you’re going through, You will get out of it, you’ll be OKAY.
*This post was written by me on the 4th of December. Since then I haven’t had time to sit and think about anything. that’s how busy I’ve been with work. At the same time, I’m doing fine :).*
Dress from the Simply Moda Shop.